Spiderwebs and Encyclopedias

Posted August 21st, 2009 by jared

Sara already wrote about this briefly; I'll elaborate.

Our kids are pretty well read for a 5, 7, and 9 year-old. To one degree or another, each kid is a replica of Sara: a walking encyclopedia. Often, I must be very cautious and selective of my words when teaching or parenting the boys.

Apparently, Maxwell had a disturbing dream last night. It was so disturbing, that it also disturbed my sleep.

This morning Sara and I sat Maxwell down on the couch to talk him through his rough night. Pulling teeth would have been easier than getting Maxwell to open up. Thank goodness for the nuclear option: increased censorship. To avoid losing books, video games, Star Wars, or any other media that might be contributing to his nightmares, Maxwell finally let us in. He dreamed that he'd become trapped in a giant spiderweb and was bitten by a black widow.

I tried to comfort his fears by explaining that his dreams were not only "not real", but also unrealistic.

My fact-foo is much weaker than theirs, so I began cautiously. I said, "Black widows don't even make spiderwebs big enough to trap humans." There was no argument; I was pretty confident that was true.

I sensed the need for further comfort. I said, "In fact, I have never, ever, seen a spiderweb big enough to trap a human." That is an undeniable fact.

My boldness increases. "Where we live, there aren't even any spiderwebs big enough to trap a human." Still no dispute; I was right again.

I confidently jumped right into that bush I'd been beating around. Sara saw where I was going and warned me with a back pinch. I said, "There aren't even any spiderwebs in the whole entire world that are big enough to trap a human."

Elijah's head popped into the room and shook in disapproval.

Xander yells from across the room, "Nuh-uh!"

Maxwell quickly responds, "Uh huh. A blah blah blah spider is big enough to blah blah blah blah blah."

That's what I heard anyway.

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